Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
my liver is dry heaving
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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