The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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