the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
