Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
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