filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
