I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
