i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
