Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
