i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
