I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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