she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
