The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
