mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
