your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
