shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
she woke up with a sticky ear
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
