She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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