If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
