i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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