he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
