Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
as a side note pls kill me
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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