I think I won the penis lottery.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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