The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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