vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
