she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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