OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
