So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Randomize
