I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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