Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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