I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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