I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
