I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Randomize
