My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
