Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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