i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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