Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
