well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
