and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
