All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
