I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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