Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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