I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Randomize
