How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
