In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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