I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
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