I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i want to fuck
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it's pretty self explanatory
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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