I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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