how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Help me help you realize you are a moron
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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