I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
