I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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