i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You ate ashes out of my bong
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
