i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
