ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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