So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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