I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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